I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
