apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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