haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
