Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
