Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
