We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
