i already hear my dad disowning me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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