erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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