i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
