I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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