he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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