on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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