just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i believe in u and ur pee
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
