Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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