apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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