this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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