I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
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It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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