I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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