So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
vagina is talking i cant
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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