He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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