checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
