the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
