You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
