she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
