He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
