I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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