Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
