i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
