I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
