I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
