Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.