Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
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When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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