apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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