it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
