I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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