In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
