burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
