The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
