I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
