4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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