1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
