id be glad to
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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