We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
