Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
