You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
