You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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