I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
