also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
