I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
