Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
