I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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